Rewind eight years ago. I am twenty years old.
My soon-to-be-husband asked me if I needed time to explore my sexuality.
It was one of the most ridiculous questions I had ever heard. Sure, I found women attractive and a lot of fun to drunk-kiss on the dancefloor. But to have an ‘actual’ relationship…to raise kids with another woman…to be a lesbian…no freakin’ way. Not possible.
That was the end of that conversation.
Fast forward one year. I am twenty-one years old.
I became a wife and an instant mum.
I graduated from uni with two degrees: one in Commerce and one in Leisure Management.
I lived it up as a Group Fitness Instructor getting paid to workout with a bunch of awesome people every other day.
I gave birth to my first child.
I took the mandatory six weeks off from work.
We traded the city for the coast.
All in all, life was pretty sweet.
Fast forward four years. I am twenty-five years old.
I’ve trained my ass off to get back my pre-baby body. I am physically at my fittest and strongest, and yet, emotionally and spiritually, I am at my lowest.
Motherhood knocks me around.
Monogamy isn’t making any sense.
My moods fluctuate like a freakin wild woman.
I’m feeling torn between the girl I use to be and the woman I’ve become.
I fall asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I wake up with an intense ache in my jaws from clenching them all night.
Six months pass.
I withdraw further and further away.
First from my husband.
Then from my kids.
There are no more highs. And no more lows.
I feel nothing.
I am totally numb.
I am no longer in my body.
THIS was my red flag.
THIS was my turning point.
This was my quarter life-crisis moment.
(This is also the beginning of my Saturn Return).
Fast forward one week.
I’m guided to check into Vipassana, a 10 day silent retreat. I’m not interested in meditating. I’ve never meditated before in my life. I just desperately need space to figure out this big mess.
My marriage is on the rocks.
My career is constricting me.
Motherhood is depressing me.
I have no idea what I want.
Or do I?
I’m scared to be honest with myself.
I’m scared of what I might discover about myself if I let myself be honest.
And I’m even more scared of what will happen next as a result of those discoveries.
Maybe I’ll decide to leave work. Maybe I’ll decide to leave my marriage. Or maybe I’ll realise everything is as it should be.
Fuck! I just need to be on my own so I can sort this all out.
Instead, I discover I have a roommate.
She’s the only other twenty-something at the retreat.
And she’s a lesbian.
I look up to the Universe:
“You bring me all the way to this silent retreat, where men and women are segregated…where the chances of me connecting with someone are non-existent…and YOU put me with the hottest (gay) girl here??? You’ve gotta be kidding me?!”
Fast forward three years. To now.
“Sooooo, how did you girls meet?”.
This question always brings an instant smile to my face as we reply, “At a Silent Meditation Retreat”.
Turns out, you should never say never. In fact, doing the thing you say you would never do has the potential to crack your heart and mind wide open to possibilities you never thought were available to YOU.
So, what about you? Do you have a “I swore I would never…” story? Tell me in the comments or send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org (all story telling is confidential).