intimate with myself: freedom.


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It’s 4 am
I can’t sleep
I have a fever
I’m drifting between this world and another world

One part of me is craving peace
And another part of me is ready for war
But the whole of me is aching truth.

I make my way to the living room
to where my pole is
I press play
and the music begins to move my body
in ways that only a lover has ever seen.

This is my portal to presence
and this presence is my power.

Right now in this moment
all I feel is a fire consuming every inch of my body
Rage. Anger. Betrayal.
Give this fire whatever name you please
all I know is that I am standing in an inferno
and this inferno is burning away a way of being that no longer serves me.

Right now in this moment
I notice the tiny beads of sweat resting on my skin
a subtle breeze blows in and all I feel is coolness
Shivers ripple up and down my spine
I smile
the fire is finally burning out.

And so
I continue to move my body.


Until, I lose my breath
and abruptly grab my chest in sheer agony
a heaviness rises from my heart and erupts out of my mouth
Grief. Sadness. Loss.
Give this heaviness whatever name you please
I fall to my knees
and begin to sob uncontrollably.

Right now in this moment
I feel weak, battered and bruised
there are no more tears
no more heaviness
and no more fire.

I no longer feel anything, nothing
and nothing feels like a void
and this void feels empty
yet empty feels full.

I gradually find my feet and rise once again
My forehead is leaning on my pole
holding me up
My eyes are closed
resting in the darkness
and yet I see more clearly than I’ve ever seen before.

Slowly, my body begins to move once again
in ways that only a lover has a seen.

This is my portal to presence
and presence is my power.

Right now, in this moment
I feel invigorated and alive
And then I hear these words, “it’s time”
And I all I see is a bird flying free.

It’s time.
It’s time to fly.
It’s time to fly and be free.
Free to be me.
Free to be ALL of me.


Presence doesn’t always feel good.  But it sure beats projecting our inner experiences onto others.

And that’s because when you’re busy projecting your inner experiences onto others you create more harm than good.  Plus, it’s cheap and tacky and has you stuck in victim mode which shows up as being a bully or a coward or a mad man who has lost his marbles.  

Projecting your inner experiences onto others does not empower one another or raise the collective vibration of our society or add value to this existence. Instead, it starts wars, ruins relationships and contributes to the unconscious suffering of humanity.

Meanwhile, presence is about fully owning what is truly yours.  It doesn’t mean making spiritual bullshit excuses for people’s shitty behaviour or rising above in ignorance and denying or pretending the chaos isn’t there. Fuck no.

Instead, it’s about courageously unclenching your fists, compassionately softening your perspective and being with the totality of your experience, from the brightest ecstasy to the darkest pain.  Surrender and let it ALL move through you.

For when it does, a greater wisdom will be revealed to you and you’ll be able to take a stand for what is true for you from a place of love instead of fear. And in doing so you will feel more power, more freedom and more love than you could have ever imagined.

As for those blessed to receive the radiance of this level of presence they will feel inspired, uplifted and empowered…but only if they too are willing to be present themselves.

So here is to a New Year filled with more presence and less projection, more freedom and less bondage, and just a whole lot more LOVE.

5 Comments | Add Comment
  1. Fucking AMEN sister girl.

    Holy shizer. This was GOOD. Word.

  2. […] Required reading – intimate with myself: freedom. […]

  3. […] had many visceral experiences of freedom, but this was something […]

  4. Nicola says:

    I’ve read this post three times already. Drawn to it, compelled to comment but not sure what to say. Fuck yes it was comes to mind!

  5. […] Then BOOM! Apparently, before I can fully transition into my new world (and the new year), there is one last thing that exists from my old world that is yet to be destroyed: my relationship and involvement with an online community of 600+ women.  It was here I saw clearly where I was hiding and where I was playing it safe. It was here that I could truly feel the contrast between soul and ego, fear and love.  My beliefs about community, sisterhood, relating, change and leadership were taken to a whole new level of LOVE. And my stripper soul essence led the way. That’s what inspired this post about freedom. […]