Rewind eight years ago. I am twenty years old.
My soon-to-be-husband asked me if I needed time to explore my sexuality.
It was one of the most ridiculous questions I had ever heard. Sure, I found women attractive and a lot of fun to drunk-kiss on the dancefloor. But to have an ‘actual’ relationship…to raise kids with another woman…to be a lesbian…no freakin’ way. Not possible.
That was the end of that conversation.
Fast forward one year. I am twenty-one years old.
I became a wife and an instant mum.
I graduated from uni with two degrees: one in Commerce and one in Leisure Management.
I lived it up as a Group Fitness Instructor getting paid to workout with a bunch of awesome people every other day.
I gave birth to my first child.
I took the mandatory six weeks off from work.
We traded the city for the coast.
All in all, life was pretty sweet.
Fast forward four years. I am twenty-five years old.
I’ve trained my ass off to get back my pre-baby body. I am physically at my fittest and strongest, and yet, emotionally and spiritually, I am at my lowest.
Motherhood knocks me around.
Monogamy isn’t making any sense.
My moods fluctuate like a freakin wild woman.
I’m feeling torn between the girl I use to be and the woman I’ve become.
I fall asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I wake up with an intense ache in my jaws from clenching them all night.
Six months pass.
I withdraw further and further away.
First from my husband.
Then from my kids.
There are no more highs. And no more lows.
I feel nothing.
I am totally numb.
I am no longer in my body.
THIS was my red flag.
THIS was my turning point.
This was my quarter life-crisis moment.
(This is also the beginning of my Saturn Return).
Fast forward one week.
I’m guided to check into Vipassana, a 10 day silent retreat. I’m not interested in meditating. I’ve never meditated before in my life. I just desperately need space to figure out this big mess.
My marriage is on the rocks.
My career is constricting me.
Motherhood is depressing me.
I’m confused.
I have no idea what I want.
Or do I?
I’m scared to be honest with myself.
I’m scared of what I might discover about myself if I let myself be honest.
And I’m even more scared of what will happen next as a result of those discoveries.
Maybe I’ll decide to leave work. Maybe I’ll decide to leave my marriage. Or maybe I’ll realise everything is as it should be.
Fuck! I just need to be on my own so I can sort this all out.
Instead, I discover I have a roommate.
She’s the only other twenty-something at the retreat.
And she’s a lesbian.
I look up to the Universe:
“You bring me all the way to this silent retreat, where men and women are segregated…where the chances of me connecting with someone are non-existent…and YOU put me with the hottest (gay) girl here??? You’ve gotta be kidding me?!”
Fast forward three years. To now.
“Sooooo, how did you girls meet?”.
This question always brings an instant smile to my face as we reply, “At a Silent Meditation Retreat”.
Turns out, you should never say never. In fact, doing the thing you say you would never do has the potential to crack your heart and mind wide open to possibilities you never thought were available to YOU.
——-
So, what about you? Do you have a “I swore I would never…” story? Tell me in the comments or send me an email at [email protected] (all story telling is confidential).
Amazing – love the way this was written, love the story and insight.
Wishing you both so much love + light.
Me – I said I would never be strong enough to work for myself, to help people like I -wanted to. And yep, here I am – doing just that.
Cx
I love it! I love your honesty and self-awareness.
It’s so true that we never know what’s in store for us – particularly when we choose to be REALLY honest. What’s hiding behind the stories we tell ourselves…so many possibilities that could transform our lives, usually in ways we never dreamed possible!
Love love love Michellexxx
so brave, so deep, so powerful..
exactly how I describe you always x
Wow. Beautiful, raw yet so poetic. You star!
My turning point: total physical breakdown. I am so thankful for what my forced solitude and stillness is bringing to life.
xo
Beautiful & brave! Thank you so much for sharing an honest love story x
What a beautiful story, great to read on this horrible office morning. :-)
Well done you!
I swore I would never leave the corporate world… and I am soooo leaving it!! Outta here as soon as I can. It’s work in progress as I do need to eat, but my own biz will be up and running by the end of this year. That is a promise I made to myself.
Love Nikki
Claire: Yes you are! You go girl!
Michelle: absolutely agree. We both know this well, right?
Yvette: thanks babe. you know I love these words! X
Kate: the body sure has a way of communicating with us. hope your journey is unfolding just as it needs to be ;-)
Angela: Thanks Angela.
Nikki: Big smiles to you! Enjoy your transitioning journey.
Susana :) I was blown away by the way you told the story:) You are so incredibly, incredibly BRAVE! x We can all relate to certain parts in your story and appreciate how far you have come. How much compassion, acceptance and self love you had to work on in order to get to a great place. You are such an inspiration :) xxx
Miss Susana..I had no idea, you are one brave girl with a big heart you have come so far you are an absolute inspiration.. love u for it! Mwah :-)
Amazing story, beautifully told Susana.
I am awed and inspired by your bravery and honesty. I learnt many years ago that every time I said I’d never do something, bam! There I’d be eating humble pie :) from simple things like using disposable nappies to more intense ugly life lessons. I love your story, thank you for sharing. x
Thanks Kerry-Anne. That ‘never ever’ statement definitely comes back to bite us in the ass! X
I loved your post. Honesty is always so attractive. Thanks so much for sharing the “real” you! Camille x
This post is so unreal – love it. Totally admire your honesty. I imagine after everything that you have been through that you are one kick-ass woman these days :) xo
Thank you for sharing your amazing story! I ‘randomly’ got here via another site, and omg! I was living another version of this story. My last boyfriend knew I was questioning myself when we dated. I never had the courage to explore what it all meant until my body forced me to stop. I swore to myself I was straight and it could never happen to me. But I did a 2 day disconnected silent retreat in a hotel room to come to terms. Fast forward a year and a half, I’m at vipassanna and a woman I had a crush on a few months ago is there! I met my now best friend (an awesome guy) just 10 minutes before and coming out to him, while him being unconditionaly loving in response – priceless. I have yet to meet my life partner ( I’m still early 20s) but your story and honesty gives me hope. In metta, gratitude and love. Leena
Leena: wowzers – talk about parallel lives! Hope you’ve been enjoying the wild ride of discovering yourself and all that comes with it. And kudos’ to you sitting Vipassana – it’s not an easy 10 days. Wishing you all the best! X
Jacqueline @ UponWildStars: Thanks for the love. And definitely feeling like one kick-ass woman these days….or more precisely, a phoenix rising from her own ashes. :-)
Camille: Honesty is definitely very attractive. Mix it with kindness and it’s one hell of a sexy mix :-)
Great story. Well told. Amazing how the Universe will break us down and stop us in our tracks … and then when we listen: place the exact very thing we need in the exact most random insane place we’d every think to find it. Love this story. xo!!! #Cheers to you and your truth and the love you found on the other side of that truth.
brave soul. real soul. so honest. such a pioneer of your life. you go girl!
Susana, gorgeous story and so beautifully written! I love this line: “doing the thing you say you would never do has the potential to crack your heart and mind wide open to possibilities you never thought were available to YOU.”
WOW! And YES! Back in college I said I would never work in the corporate world where the focus was on making money. My interests were research, teaching, nonprofits and service. I eventually wound up in the corporate world though, and more recently entreprenuership. I am still a work-in-process on that front, learning every day, but I think what changed is my view that business can have heart and meaning. I used to think they were not (and could not be) connected. Now I see, especially as an entrepreneur, that business can be a rich source of growth, meaning and healing.
On a more current note, your post has me thinking about some statements I have made repeatedly about my business over the last year and has left me wondering if the very thing I say I don’t want may in fact be on the horizon. Mmmm … will pay attention and see be where things go. :)
Thanks for this beautiful and honest post! You already know I adore you. xoxo
That’s a great story! It told us so much with so little words and I want to know more. Keep up the great work cuz I’m going to subscribe to your feed ;)
Thanks for sharing with such honesty :) Even though I’ve heard the story before (in person because I’m so lucky!), I think it’s really empowering to be able to hear it shared with such a ‘rawness’ to it.
Being a Mum, I swore I would never do a lot of things that I’ve had to eat my words with. I’ll never feed my kids McDonalds, I’ll never marry a boy from Logan!, I’ll never be one of ‘those’ Mothers!! haha…
Raw, honest, inspirational and beautiful! Truly thank you for sharing Susana.
Susana, you truly are beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside as well. Loved reading your journey. thanks for sharing xx
What a beautiful story, Susana! And you have the courage to say yes to this relationship and to living a happy life. That is awesome! So many people accept to live their lives feeling bad and not taking the steps it takes to get out of it. It’s not always an easy choice to make…
Ah yes, before I met my husband 12 years ago I swore I would never date a French guy again and never ever move back to Paris again. He also swore he would never date a Swedish girl again. So now I never say never ; ).
Big hugs, Karina
What an amazing journey you’ve been on. Well done to you for listening and honouring your feelings and recognising the signs. Lots of people don’t, or they don’t have the courage to. Bless xox
Your honesty is beautiful Susana. So deeply inspiring x
[…] Turns out this gorgeous soul is a sexologist & sex educator and our stories are so similar that it’s no coincidence I receive this email while I’m in Phoenix with Jeanette LeBlanc, the very woman who reached out to me after I wrote this post. […]
I never say never anymore.
I finally left my abusive marriage of 16 years when I was 37
My story was like yours but I was 40 before I found my love for women
I was 41 before I finally went to uni
I got my dream job at 46
I started my Masters of Sexology when I was 52
And I WILL start to go into private practice as a Sexologist when I have graduated at 57
And I WILL be fully self employed as a Sexologist in private practice when I am 60
I started my Masters at