Open relationships.
I didn’t grow up knowing such a thing existed.
Infidelity, yes.
But open relationships, no.
It wasn’t until my early twenties, when I was married and questioning monogamy, that I discovered this world.
These days, I feel like there’s a lot more open discussion about it, which is a beautiful thing because there is no ONE way to create relationship and there is no ONE model of relationship to create.
When it comes to the variety of relationship models/dynamics that exist, none are more superior than the other (nor, despite what some circles would say, are any more evolved than the other). There’s only ever what works right for you at any given moment. Which brings me to today’s episode.
Last week I received the following email (for confidentiality purposes this is only an excerpt):
My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years, and in January he let me know that he was thinking about having sex with other women.
I am very monogamous so this is a huge pain point for me. He says he still loves me and wants to stay in a relationship with me but open it up so that we can sleep with other people on the side. The thought of that makes me feel sick and I don’t know what to do
He has never done this in a relationship before or even told anyone else about this, so it’s pretty full on for me.I feel like he needs to just go out and explore this but I honestly don’t know if I can stay with him while he does it – and I don’t want to lose him, he is my best friend.
Not only does this bring up crazy anxiety in me, it makes me feel like I am not enough. Not pretty enough, not sexy enough, like I suck in bed or something. Logically I know this isn’t true but it has really shaken my confidence.
I’m reaching out to you because I don’t know what to do, it’s been 10 months and I am getting sick of feeling so anxious about it.
In today’s episode I share the advice I gave this woman, which also happens to be a lot of the advice I wish I received when I first discovered the world of “open relationships”.
Click play below (15mins)
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ITEMS & PEOPLE MENTIONED IN EPISODE
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.
Have you explored open relationships? Do you have any pearls of wisdom that you’d love to add to the conversation? If so, add them in the comments – I’d love to hear from you!
Big Love
I love this conversation – open relationships and the concept surrounding them has long been something that I have struggled to accept in my own relationships – perhaps because I was brought up with certain ideas of what relationships “should” look like. I can definitely sympathise with how your reader feels in this particular instance. I absolutely loved your words on this subject Susana – it completely changed how I was perceiving relationships. I was looking at open relationships as something that was limiting, provided barriers, degraded communication and love between two people – but it seems like there is much to be done on our own – filling up our own cup in order to really see this as what it is. We attach our fears onto it, and that is what makes it painful. But it can be reframed to be really an exploration of who we are as individuals and what freedom, expansiveness means to us – rather than attachment to a relationship. Thank you!!!