Last month I peed on 3 sticks on 3 different days and the result was always the same: pregnant.

I cried.

This was not part of the plan.
Later, yes.
Now, no.

Now was bad timing.
Very bad timing.

You see, we’re planning to relocate OS next year and this pregnancy meant we’d need to delay those plans which would (1) disrupt my daughters schooling more than I’d like, and (2) have me give up all my plans as my time there would now be consumed with a newborn vs having the freedom to do whatever I want when I want (and I very much wanted that freedom)

I also hadn’t prepped my body for a baby and I very much wanted to prep my body for a baby. In fact, I had a very specific vision of how my next baby would come to be and this, right here, was not it.

My partner, on the other hand, didn’t struggle with my so-called “bad timing” dilemma. Instead, he was excited and a lot more ready for this chapter of our lives together than I had realised.

Despite my resistance, this pregnancy had us grinning ear to ear every time we caught each other’s eyes. These spontaneous physical expressions, as well as the frequency transmitted through them, provided me with a lot of comfort and reassurance.

Maybe this was all perfect timing?
Maybe this timeline was better than the timeline I was clinging to?
Maybe it was always meant to happen this way?

As I gradually reoriented myself to this new reality, my resistance finally gave way to excitement, the kind of excitement that put a spring in my step and had me revelling in being a mother again.

But then, a few days later, I miscarried.
And suddenly I was drowning in sadness.

I waited for relief to kick in. In fact, I was sure relief would kick in, especially with how much I wrestled with the timing of this surprise pregnancy. But relief never came.

There was only sadness.
And a deep longing for what I was now losing.

While I don’t wish this kind of mind fuckery on anyone, this emotional rollercoaster has been a blessing for me, one that has clarified my desires and activated “prep mode”…just like I wanted.